You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
