i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
