I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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