Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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