Capitaan dildo arrescate!
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
