got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
