1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
