Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize