How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize