you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
