i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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