Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
