We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
