just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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