My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
