plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i out mim tonsoeep
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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