The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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