I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
