Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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