member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
