I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
