im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
