I will die if light touches me.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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