He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
