shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
