I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
