ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
