I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Are we still banned from the library?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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