Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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