I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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