Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
