If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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