I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
