I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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