I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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