I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
