I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
