Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Randomize
