people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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