Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
