Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
They took my balls.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
