i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
