things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
