Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
