he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
