Cold hands, warm shart.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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