I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
