The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize