I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
