Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
