Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
