I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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