I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
