Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize