Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
