Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
