I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
