Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You're like the curious george of whores
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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