he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
My vagina is officially offended.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
