They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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